Contrary to the Disney version of life, marriage is not a fairy tale. It is in fact a full time job in its own right. Now put 2 more jobs into the mix and things get super tricky. Unfortunately, jobs tend to pull couples apart in so many ways that it’s hard to put out the fires as the crop up. Even if both people work the same schedule it becomes a challenge to balance all of the different roles. Where does one stop and another begin? Who’s job comes first when someone needs to be home w/ the children? Who carries the title of the “head of house” when both jobs are equal? In today’s world these questions become blurred and tend to become the war-zone of marriage which eventually will tear apart the most loving newlyweds.

The trick is to remember the basic blue-print for marriage. The body can not have two heads, someone must be appointed leader. The male is the appointed leader by design. It is in his wiring to be the provider and the protector. The woman is appointed the heart and the ‘help-mate’. As an appointed help-mate we may need to work outside of the home to help with expenses or even to maintain our sanity. Before anyone starts screaming, ladies, this does not mean we bow down and have non-essential careers. I have worked for most of my marriage as a computer programmer, but I know that is to HELP my husband, not to overshadow him. Even if we are fortunate enough to have a career type job we must never have our husbands feel less in his provider and protector arena and by the same token husbands should not look down upon their wives work. She is, after all, helping relieve the financial stress from her husband.

Some basic tricks throughout my 23 years of marriage I have learned are these. Don’t neglect home for work. Yes once in a while you will have to work late, travel, etc. But make sure that it’s not at the cost of the family. If you absolutely have to attend a work function after work, make sure that the next evening you spend extra time with the family, even if its just playing Monopoly for a couple of hours. Make sure they know that you are there for them. Husbands tend to feel neglected when the wives careers are demanding. Wives, make yourself aware of husbands needs by showing him he is still needed. This does not mean nagging him to take out the trash after dinner. My husband absolutely loves to fix things. I honestly believe it’s his way of relaxing. So I will kindly ask “My faucet is dripping, can you look at this for me?” Boom the sirens of Supper-hubby is flashed into the sky and he’s a happy puppy.

With everyone’s appointments, and especially if you have kids, it gets to be a game of tag on seeing each other. Make a date one evening at least 2 times a month, 4 if possible. Get a sitter and just have a quiet 3 hour time together, just husband and wife. A restaurant, a movie, somewhere where you can hold hands and be close. It does not need to be a lavish affair or even expensive. An evening at Chick-fil-a works just as well as an expensive dinner at “The Wine Cellar”. By all means do not plan the evening out in your head. Do not plan conversations, do not expect reactions, just ‘be’.

We have had 23 years of kids in the house. His kids, our kids, relative’s kids, neighbor kids, and now grandkids. Here is one big rule. NO KIDS IN THE BEDROOM! Go to their room if need to settle them down but don’t let them crawl in bed with you. If they are frightened and run into your room that’s one thing, hug them and bring them back to their room, do the monster-inspection, stay with them through a storm, whatever it takes, but they must know that mommy and daddy’s bedroom is off limits. The bedroom should always remain the place where the husband and wife can have complete and utter privacy, even if it’s just to pass out from exhaustion in each others arms. This is where you connect the most and don’t ever kick the husband out for snoring, they have aides for snoring now, buy them. Don’t take any arguments into the bedroom and make sure that this room is specifically for being with each other.

Do something special for each other now and then. My husband works 2nd shift I work days. When I get home, he’s on his way out the door, or already gone. So as I fix dinner for myself and the children, I will fix him a plate up as well. Thank God for Tupperware! I will pack it and after cleaning up from dinner, kids are packed into the van and we deliver Daddy his dinner at work. He loves it. Not only does he get a hot healthy meal, he says he loves it that it makes the other men jealous that no one does it for them. If you can’t deliver a meal, pack one for them to take, and put something special in the lunch box so he/she knows you are thinking of them.

Now here’s the big one. Neglect is an ugly word and misused. Just because a partner is busy does not mean the other is neglected. Neglect is being invisible to the other person and having one person think and act like they have no other responsibilities to anyone but themselves. Marriage is written on given and take, by following that blueprint, there can be no Neglect. Just remember to hug, to hold, to kiss and look at your partner the way you did when you realized you really were in love. It shows in your eyes even when you are a part. Where your marriage on your sleeve and be proud of it to coworkers and to ‘friends’ who mock marriage. There is no greater joy in this world then to show the love you have for your partner even when you are separated by space.

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